Hard Decisions Don't Come With a Flip of a Coin

We sat in a parking lot, staring blankly ahead with the doctor’s words still ringing in our ears. “Immediately, go for a CT scan so we can see how far the cancer has spread. This is a life or death situation.”

We were stunned despite the signs and the pain my husband had been in for months. But this man who I loved with all my being, was obstinate about the news. “I will not be afraid, and I will not succumb to doctors’ reports. I will place my trust in God, and I will not waver. No one, except God, is going to tell me what to do. And I need to talk with Him first.” We weren’t in agreement. I wanted us to at least get the tests and medical reports asap, so we knew what to be believing for, but he wasn’t about to be pushed around. I was in tears. His heels dug deep into the car's floorboard. I asked if I could call our daughter for prayer. He agreed. Her tender, loving voice said: “Let’s pray.” She prayed a prayer of absolute certainty that God was in control and we didn’t have to fear or dread. “Daddy, no one is making you have this surgery, but doesn’t it make sense to at least get the tests to see where everything is at?” Daddy’s girl got to Daddy’s heart AND stubbornness. And so, the pain in his back that he tolerated for months, set us on a course for a journey of faith like we never imagined.

We found ourselves facing a critical juncture in our faith. The tests, the results and the doctors’ absolute insistence on the emergency surgery to remove the tumor that consumed his #10 vertebrae or face being paralyzed, created a dilemma. We could do nothing, stand strong and believe that God had a long life of health and wellness ahead and live in a state of anxious denial (a place he’d been living for too long already). Or, we submit to the medical professionals’ recommendations and work toward finding acceptance, faith and peace in God’s guidance – step by step daily. After united prayer with our family – the latter was chosen. Surgery would take place in a couple of days. The hard choices of life don’t usually come with a flip of a coin. Sometimes it takes a village to help us decide.

And, sometimes peace is a choice that doesn’t always come naturally for us. My husband was that guy that liked to be in control of, well, everything. Mr. Type-A personality wanted to know exactly how the day would go and then manipulate his surroundings to fit what feels safe, secure, and right to him. That worked well for him for years, but life didn’t comply with his version of how things should be. He had to release his grip on control which was more difficult for him than the cancer.

Why am I deliberating on what happened almost ten years ago? Because, I sense that there are many who are, by nature – control freaks – like my husband was – and you are having to release control in your lives – particularly since Covid sprung itself on our world. Once we settled into the rhythm of peace, trust, and hope, the next few months, though often grueling, were also times of comfort and witnessing God’s amazing grace -- time and time again. God’s Word filled in the weak places with scriptures like Isaiah 54:10, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, Who has compassion on you.”

In the months that followed, we found ourselves navigating into the unknown, and sometimes didn’t really feel the peace, but we knew it was there for the taking, like that scripture says. So, we made a choice to believe it, whether we felt it or not. And, here I am these ten years later, and I daily choose to believe that the peace that surpasses all understanding still covers my life even when it’s chaotic and stress-filled.

I believe that is what Horatio Spafford had in mind when he penned the words “It is well with my soul” after losing his son, his business, and then his four daughters (who drowned in a shipwreck). It is well -- doesn’t mean declaring that we are unaffected in the face of hardship. It is simply choosing to believe that love, peace, and hope are true. That they are promises we can believe no matter what comes our way. So, though my heart hurt when I was my husband’s midwife after months of doing all we could do and praying all we could pray to get him well, I chose peace and hope knowing that God would redeem my pain. And He has. He will for you, too.

Whole Lotta Infusion Goin' On!!

Infusion -- To fill or cause to be filled with something; Injection; Instill. That's a word that we've encountered many times in the last several weeks. My Honey has had more than his share of I.V. infusions for hydration, nutrition, medication, blood transfusions, and then on Friday, August 13th, he was infused with the first targeted therapy treatment (chemo). The chemo treatment went well -- no side effects for which we are so grateful.

The next week, went quite well as I continued to give him the antibiotic via I.V. for the staph infection. We also were able to get his pain better managed as we figured out the necessary meds to bring about comfort. He grew stronger as he began physical therapy three times a week. Now we were ready for our next chemo treatment on Friday, August 20th.

All was going well until Friday morning at 5:30 a.m. when I was awakened by Ron violently shaking with chills and rigors. I quickly checked his temperature and it was over 102. We've been directed to call the medical on-call line if that happens. We were quickly urged to go to the Emergency Room as soon as possible. Fortunately, our son had come into town the night before to see us before going to Asia for nine days, so he was able to help me get Ron into the car and to the hospital, as he was very lethargic and unable to communicate. Once determining that there was another type of infection in his body, and his blood pressure being extremely low, we were moved to the intensive care unit for the next 36 hours. Today, Saturday evening, we were moved to a regular room since they've been able to get the infection under control and the blood pressure stabilized.

Another exciting ride on the roller coaster! Many keep asking me, "How do you cope with the ups and downs of your faith journey?" I'll tell you how we continue to believe we are "winning" no matter what we face. Back to how I started this blog…..with the word, "Infusion". When Ron and I first talked about this word, we looked at it two-fold: one, in the medical sense, but then we started saying….."We are also being 'infused' by God's Word as we continue to trust in the many promises of God." Psalms 119:130 says "The entrance (infusion) of Your words gives light." When we meditate on God's Word, it brings light and life. As everyone must know by now, that has been the source of our strength, as we meditate, trust in, and place our hope upon the infallible Word of God. We believe it is crucial for our success. Another verse comes to mind. It says "If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction" -- Psalm 119:92. That is so true. It has been our lifeline. It has been our strength. Yes, we have been literally squeezed during this faith journey, but that's why we want to be so filled with the Word of God that when we are squeezed -- when we are in trouble, or when we are at a loss for human understanding, or when we are faced with situations in life over which we have no control, we must be so filled with the Word of God that we pour out faith and hope and trust in the midst of the storm. That is what has been our "shelter in the time of storm".

In our church, when we are about to hear a Gospel reading (a reading from one of the four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke or John), we do the sign of the cross on our foreheads (indicating "May this Word be in my mind"), on our lips (indicating "May this Word be in my mouth") and in my heart (indicating "May the Word be in my heart"). How do we actually get those words into our minds, our mouths and our spirits? We meditate on those words 24/7 -- we read them consistently -- we've placed them on the walls of our home -- we speak them consistently over circumstances in our lives. It’s in the music that’s being played in our home. We're surrounding and saturating our lives with the Word of God. Being as intentional with believing, trusting and speaking -- taking in God's words like medicine, as much as we are taking the prescribed medications given to us by our medical team.

Tomorrow a CT scan will be done on Ron to determine the source of the infection. Whatever the outcome, we still believe that "with God all things are possible"! We are INFUSED with those words from Matthew 19:26. That scripture is in a picture frame in our bedroom. We read it daily -- it's in our mind, our mouths and in our heart!!! WE WIN!!