Being a Soul Searcher

I’ve been doing some soul-searching – especially about my attitude during this quarantine. Honestly, not too much in my life changed. Yes, I've missed my Austin and Tulsa family and I was sad about the retreat that was cancelled that we had been working on for months, but I had no special occasions or vacations planned, a job that I depended on, children who were missing their senior year activities, or the loss of a loved one.

Of course I can have a sunny disposition – I haven’t personally been touched with emotional or physical pain as some of you have. But today, I am a Soul Searcher. I think, maybe, my happy-sing-along-with-Donna attitude may have come across as insensitive. So, please, forgive me -- especially to those of you who have suffered loss and are still in a grieving mode. I sincerely mean it. To love you is to help bear your burdens.To love you is to wrap my arms around you (virtually) so you know how much I care and am praying that you will weather this storm with strength and resolve.

Among the recommendations for keeping us safe during the COVID-19 pandemic was to gargle with warm salt water. But, I thought about salt in a different way when I considered where some of my friends are at. I realized that my sunny disposition may not appeal to those who are in misery right now. Lots of disappointments, financial setbacks, dreams squelched, and really severe depression. That is not something to be “sunny” about. The saying goes “It’s like rubbing salt in a wound.

I do know that grief can slip in quietly behind our best defenses. I do know what it is to force thinking about good and hopeful things, but still the darkness won’t go. I also know more about strength and determination in God's timing that sure helps. I think King Solomon understood it when he told us “There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4).

I’m sure there are those who know that scripture and how seasons like this come and go. But, I also know weeping and laughing, mourning and dancing can all occur in one “up-and-down” day. I've learned it’s okay to have a good cry (like when I was going through old photos of my husband and I last week). I also know "Don't stay there!" I know to move on is to appreciate the beauty of the present. Grief-triggers used to be unwelcome visitors for me. I would refuse to allow myself to go there. But, I’ve learned that it’s okay to grieve -- temporarily – because to those who loved much – miss their loved one much. I embrace those memories as a chance to give thanks for God’s past gifts and to expect His work now and in the future.

Here’s my heart -- I’m so sorry for giving the impression that I don't care about my friends’ needs. I assure you I do care and I want to help you out of despair. Christ is alive so that we don’t have to mourn or grieve as those without Him do. He brings us beauty right in the middle of our hardest days and saddest seasons. And even though His work isn't always an immediate song and dance, He always presents us the opportunity to change: "He grants to those who mourn in Zion -- beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of heaviness." (Isaiah 61:3).

We don’t have to force the joy or avoid the pain. But we do entrust our sorrow and hurts to Jesus because He is a compassionate Savior who knows grief and understands sadness. He cradles us, He heals our brokenness, and He transforms the ashes we bring Him into a crown of beauty that only He can create. The "corona-virus" starts with corona (crown). Let's change clothes, put on the garment of praise and thanksgiving, our crown of beauty and expect the best is yet to come! I love you so much and I'm praying for your change of seasons and that your BEST days are ahead!!

The Great Escape and the Great Wake-Up Call

Since my husband’s “great escape” to heaven, I’ve been invited to several grief support groups. I’ve declined them all because, right up front, I decided to escape from the mindset that I had to grieve and feel sorry for myself. Though I knew I would miss my sweetheart the day he left and every day thereafter, I knew I had a choice to make. I could wallow in tears or be grateful for the years we had together and carry on. Going to a grief support group, I surmised, would only introduce me to other widows and widowers who were still living in their grief beyond, what I thought, was a reasonable "grieving” date. I didn’t want to hang out with those “poor souls”. I had arisen from death to life, taken off my grave clothes and put on a garment of praise and joy. I made a point to smile more than I frowned and to LIVE on

A few weeks ago, I saw that my church has a new “Faith and Grief” Support Group. I dismissed any interest to attend it for the same above reasons. But then I felt a tap, tap, tap on my heart’s door and I started getting those “God” nudges and THAT whisper again. “Donna, be Me!” Oh. My. Goodness. Seriously, God? Once again, my Master Coach was impressing upon me to get out of the “It’s all about me” to “It’s about being the hands, feet AND even the mouthpiece of Jesus.”

So, as a full-fledged veteran widow for eight years, I decided to go to the meeting in “stealth” mode. Be undercover, so to speak. If asked, I'd tell my “victory” story, impress others with my warrior-esque persona and show them all how to move on. Then that ever-so-subtle voice whispered in my ears: “Stop, look and listen, Donna! It's about Me!" I expected to see mostly older folks,, but to my surprise, there were many younger widows, widowers, daughters, sons, sisters, and brothers who had lost loved ones. HELLO, Wake-Up Call! Young, in-between, and old die and all ages can experience great loss.

We were all asked to tell who we are and why we were there. At my table, a young wife and mom of two young sons, responded in tears “The only thing I can get out today is my 40-year-old husband, without any warning, died suddenly last month." She is now having to hold it all together for her young family. There were others – all ages with their own set of circumstances that didn’t need to hear “Time to move on!" They needed tender love and sensitivity, and in the process, realize they are so much wiser than they realize and they are still here for a reason and God has a plan for them.

Because I heeded the nudge of God to go, be and do, I learned that all of our journeys are not the same. I learned we all heal differently. I learned that some pick themselves up by the bootstraps and in spite of the pain, they carry on. I’ve also learned from the Ecclesiastes 3:4 “There’s a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.” We don’t all have to fit in the same mold. Some will take longer to recover. For those, Lord, help me to sincerely be your hands extended, reaching out in love and comfort. You said in Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.” My hand is raised to be more loving and understanding and to comfort those who mourn and walk with them hand-in-hand until they are able to trade their ashes for beauty and receive the oil of joy instead of the spirit of heaviness. (Isaiah 61:3)

I learned to never judge someone else’s grief or their life or the time it takes for them to heal. In the meantime, I will pray for helping hands to help the single mom or the single dad that is raising their children alone now. I will pray for a mom or dad to show up for the daughter or son who lost one or both of their parents. And, if it’s for me to respond, may I jump up with great joy and enthusiasm and say “Pick me! Pick me!” By the way, I’m now on the Faith and Grief Team. Who knew why I waited so long to give others what I’ve received? Oh, I know. God did!