Hard Decisions Don't Come With a Flip of a Coin

We sat in a parking lot, staring blankly ahead with the doctor’s words still ringing in our ears. “Immediately, go for a CT scan so we can see how far the cancer has spread. This is a life or death situation.”

We were stunned despite the signs and the pain my husband had been in for months. But this man who I loved with all my being, was obstinate about the news. “I will not be afraid, and I will not succumb to doctors’ reports. I will place my trust in God, and I will not waver. No one, except God, is going to tell me what to do. And I need to talk with Him first.” We weren’t in agreement. I wanted us to at least get the tests and medical reports asap, so we knew what to be believing for, but he wasn’t about to be pushed around. I was in tears. His heels dug deep into the car's floorboard. I asked if I could call our daughter for prayer. He agreed. Her tender, loving voice said: “Let’s pray.” She prayed a prayer of absolute certainty that God was in control and we didn’t have to fear or dread. “Daddy, no one is making you have this surgery, but doesn’t it make sense to at least get the tests to see where everything is at?” Daddy’s girl got to Daddy’s heart AND stubbornness. And so, the pain in his back that he tolerated for months, set us on a course for a journey of faith like we never imagined.

We found ourselves facing a critical juncture in our faith. The tests, the results and the doctors’ absolute insistence on the emergency surgery to remove the tumor that consumed his #10 vertebrae or face being paralyzed, created a dilemma. We could do nothing, stand strong and believe that God had a long life of health and wellness ahead and live in a state of anxious denial (a place he’d been living for too long already). Or, we submit to the medical professionals’ recommendations and work toward finding acceptance, faith and peace in God’s guidance – step by step daily. After united prayer with our family – the latter was chosen. Surgery would take place in a couple of days. The hard choices of life don’t usually come with a flip of a coin. Sometimes it takes a village to help us decide.

And, sometimes peace is a choice that doesn’t always come naturally for us. My husband was that guy that liked to be in control of, well, everything. Mr. Type-A personality wanted to know exactly how the day would go and then manipulate his surroundings to fit what feels safe, secure, and right to him. That worked well for him for years, but life didn’t comply with his version of how things should be. He had to release his grip on control which was more difficult for him than the cancer.

Why am I deliberating on what happened almost ten years ago? Because, I sense that there are many who are, by nature – control freaks – like my husband was – and you are having to release control in your lives – particularly since Covid sprung itself on our world. Once we settled into the rhythm of peace, trust, and hope, the next few months, though often grueling, were also times of comfort and witnessing God’s amazing grace -- time and time again. God’s Word filled in the weak places with scriptures like Isaiah 54:10, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, Who has compassion on you.”

In the months that followed, we found ourselves navigating into the unknown, and sometimes didn’t really feel the peace, but we knew it was there for the taking, like that scripture says. So, we made a choice to believe it, whether we felt it or not. And, here I am these ten years later, and I daily choose to believe that the peace that surpasses all understanding still covers my life even when it’s chaotic and stress-filled.

I believe that is what Horatio Spafford had in mind when he penned the words “It is well with my soul” after losing his son, his business, and then his four daughters (who drowned in a shipwreck). It is well -- doesn’t mean declaring that we are unaffected in the face of hardship. It is simply choosing to believe that love, peace, and hope are true. That they are promises we can believe no matter what comes our way. So, though my heart hurt when I was my husband’s midwife after months of doing all we could do and praying all we could pray to get him well, I chose peace and hope knowing that God would redeem my pain. And He has. He will for you, too.

An Icebreaker Became a Memory Maker

Our interdenominational fellowship group came together in my community on Tuesday night for another pot luck meal and time of fellowship. There is always an entertaining or thought-provoking time after dinner. This week we had five icebreaker questions to discuss at our table. I sat by my cousins and there were two other couples at our table. Naturally, for the couples, they answered the questions with each other in mind. For example, question one was “If stranded on an island, what 3 things (or people) would you want to have with you and why?” Each one of the couples gave as one of their three as each other. Widow Donna came up with a hatchet, water, and a ladder (I need help climbing a tree!). I’ve watched “Survivor” episodes so I know what I'd need on a deserted island.

The one question that gave me pause and introspection was “If you could live one year from your life again, which one would you go back to?” The couples’ answers were beautiful: “Going back to the first church that we pastored in Fayetteville, AR that began in our home and grew exponentially.” Another couple talked about the year that their first child was born, and the other talked about the year when he returned from Vietnam to come home to his wife and baby. Then it was my turn. I had plenty of time to consider it and, without a doubt, it would be the last year of my husband’s life that I would want a do-over.

You see, my sweetheart was a muscle-bound, picture of health and strength, full of the joy of living and sharing God’s love in ministry and counseling. We had traveled a lot and had the thrill of precious times with our children and grandchildren. Life was good. Then, came the day when we received the diagnosis of Stage 4 Kidney Cancer that changed everything. Life came to an all-consuming 24/7 endeavor to get him healed. If it had been God’s will, he would still be around today because with all the treatments, surgeries, interventions, and most of all, the prayers from around the world, it was his time.

This is what I shared with our group. I would have stopped being Martha – doing, doing, doing and I would have stopped to embrace every second that I had with my Love. I would have spent every waking moment laughing about our puppy love romance at ages 12 & 13 and some of the crazy things we did together. I would have talked more about all that God had blessed us with in the past than continuing to figure out that awful disease. We both knew he was in God’s hands and it would have been so much better to have trusted implicitly for the outcome than all the going here and there and everywhere. I would have sat with him patiently at the dinner table and just talked and talked instead of hurrying to get the dishes cleaned up so quickly. I would have thanked God for the ups and downs that we survived and even thrived through. Actually, I’ve added a little more than what I actually said in that group, but what I did say to them, as couples, to live each day as if this were the last with each other. Love each other deeply.

Since we can't do do-overs -- the best way to live life on this side of heaven is to take each day -- one day at a time -- and live it as though it were our last -- living with no regrets -- embracing and loving those around us with intensity, gratitude and gusto. Living in the light of eternity -- helping take as many others with us to heaven. My Love is waiting for me there. I look forward to introducing you to him one day!